Re: Tri-State of Mind
Dear New Jersey:
After years of enduring turnpike exit jokes and feeling like the poor cousin to New York, you have finally come into your own. Thanks to Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious and The Real Housewives of New Jersey, the rest of the country is getting to know and love you. You might think that to watch these shows is to learn that the Garden State is less a green oasis and more a rest stop for loudmouthed drunks, loudmouthed hairstylists and loudmouthed wives but that would be shortsighted. Reality television is a star maker so embrace your 15 minutes of fame. If reality TV can make women famous for nothing more than having curves or being freakishly fertile, than why shouldn’t it generate national attention for you? All publicity is good publicity. Besides, Bruce Springsteen and Jon Bon Jovi just aren’t there for you like they used to be.
Okay, so your shows are kind of trashy but they have an audience. Some critics argue that this audience watches because they are fascinated by unfamiliar sub-cultures. In other words, big hair, spray tans and one-dimensional characterizations of Italian-Americans have made you not so much a state as a National Geographic special. The difference is that you are an anthropology study with high ratings. Ratings mean attention and attention means economic benefits. Just ask the business owners of Seaside Heights, where Jersey Shore is filmed when it’s not cheating on you with Miami. They report that the production has increased hotel and catering revenue for the town as well as generated “buzz” that they hope will attract more tourists. Your governor Chris Christie fails to see the benefits, suggesting that Snookie and crew are “negative” for the state but I know you understand her car accident appeal. You just can’t look away.
Then there are the hairstylists at Gatsby’s salon, stars of Jerseylicious. They’re all hair extensions, fake nails and clothes three sizes too small but underneath all that they want things–marriage, success–and it’s this narrative that makes them watchable. It’s also messy, impolite workplace drama–what most people’s office would be like if you took away the college degrees, class and smart casual attire.
The women and men at Gatsby’s have the workplace covered which leaves family life to the 
Real Housewives. Celebrate New Jersey because it is here that you really shine! These wives feel so passionately about each other that they literally flip tables and pick fights that somehow lead their children to become intimately familiar with the criminal court system. With their large homes, large cars and large cosmetic enhancements, they are a testament to your state’s economic promise. I know, you’re thinking what about housewife Teresa Giudice’s impending bankruptcy and public auction of her personal property including wait for it–a suit of armor? Don’t worry. Teresa’s pluck, denial and insistence that her home was merely an investment property is just an opportunity for one more life lesson that she can share with the rest of the country. Not to mention all those basic pasta recipes that she convinced a publisher would make her a great (co-authored) cookbook writer. She even made it a family project. Her husband Joe has a paragraph where he offers insightful advice on whether the water used to cook pasta should be hot or cold before it’s boiled. (You’ll just have to buy the book to find out the answer).
So New Jersey embrace your television ambassadors and your role as a character in their dramas. New York may have songs written about her and shared the stage with the women of Sex and the City but you have J-Woww, Danielle Staub and the Situation. It’s a cast of clowns but at least they’re real. If that doesn’t cheer you up, think of this: Your contribution to television narrative will be discussed in media studies classes for generations. Maybe you can capitalize on the academic angle and start working on a show about Princeton. Just make sure you include lots of shots of excessive alcohol consumption. A plagiarism case and a professor/student affair wouldn’t hurt either.
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