Re: Best. Plan. Ever.
Lindsay Lohan went to jail last week. This is a surprise to no one except maybe Lindsay herself. Oh, and her mother Dina who told the press that the incarceration of her daughter was “so not fair.” By unfair I assume she means unfair to her since Lindsay’s jail time means that she has temporarily lost her access to clubs and parties. But Dina shouldn’t worry too much because it’s been reported that Lindsay will only spend 14 days of her 90 day sentence behind bars. This news should prompt at least a few words on the overcrowded prison system. Instead, the press reported on her surrender which was basically shots of her walking through a crowd of photographers. Later, they told us about her dining options (turkey tetrazzini in case you missed it) and reassured us that she will be sleeping soundly since the state agreed that she could continue to take a prescription sleep aide.
Despite crying when she was sentenced, Lindsay was less traumatized a few days before she was due to enter prison. She posted a message to her Twitter account describing her reaction to her upcoming jail time as: “eeeks.” Apparently, jail is a joke that deserves a cartoon response. And why shouldn’t it? It’s her two week chance to plan the best way to cash-in on the experience. Actually, she did this before her sentence started. Fox 411 reports that Lohan lined-up several post-jail interviews allegedly worth seven figures before she went to prison. With her film work spiraling into the D-list, she knows that paying her bills by posing semi-nude for marginal magazines won’t last forever.
Lohan and her rants, girlfriends, public fights, alcohol monitoring bracelets and dysfunctional parents are collectively called a hot mess. If you love popular culture, you probably enjoy a hot mess. Celebrity images are so carefully constructed that when they crack it’s like seeing how a magician does a trick. It’s juicy revelation, a fleeting glimpse of the real. For some, a celebrity’s problems offer a kind of common ground that elicits sympathy, Sandra Bullock’s cheating husband for example. For others, a celebrity’s crash and burn is disappointing. Lindsay’s problems are none of these things. Her addictions and trips back and forth to rehab are not disappointing. They are just a tired celebrity cliche. Her self-destructive approach to her career does not deserve your sympathy because it’s a choice, just as it was a choice to break the terms of her probation and to paint expletives on her fingernails for her court appearance.
Lindsay will walk away from her experience having learned nothing except that crime pays. So enjoy her story on the level that it deserves. It’s not tragic or sad or a cautionary tale. It’s a funny distraction from the real tragic, sad and cautionary tales of the day.
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